Never Underestimate A Bad Program
by Bob Regent
Summary: Bolos are the most powerful vehicles in the known galaxy, scary enough... but what if one was scarier than the others. One Shot.


**Never Underestimate a Bad Program**

The headquarters building stretched across the entire horizon, at tens of thousands of miles in diameter the Dinochrome Brigade's home station had taken the place of an entire ocean that had once existed thousands of years ago prior to the final consolidation of the Bolo companies into a grand army. Every man, woman and Bolo that were commissioned into the Brigade would walk through the massive doors, those same doors that had once adorned the central spire of the first brigade headquarters before the dark times.

Now however they simply made up the smallest of entrances for the prospective commanders of the massive self aware tanks, a pair of incredibly massive doors over a dozen miles away could be seen open wide as a full detachment of eighteen Bolos cruised through and away from the building. The third group to leave the main hangers in as many hours, things seemed to be heating up.

"That's always impressive." A voice came from the side of the building, a scruffy looking engineer was toking an obviously illegal tobacco cigarette as he watched the speeding armour disappear into the marshalling yards. "Damn things really do have a hell mind of their own these days, sorry Captain can I help you."

"Those were Thirty ones."

"That they were, latest batch to make it out through advanced tactical training probably on their way to the front lines or something." The man stamped out his cigarette, "You must be new here Captain.."

"I'm looking for the Commandant's office, I've just been reassigned to fifth company third brigade."

"One of the founding units, you must be doing something right if they've given you a position with that unit."

"I was on Altair during the initial invasion of the sector."

"No shit?"

"No Shit."

"I'm impressed son, only a few of the Bolos got out of that and even less of the Commanders. I heard that you guys stopped the entire Melconian advance across the sector single handed, shit If I hadn't worked on those old Type 28 and 29s I wouldn't have believed it."

"It wasn't that bad, and it wasn't the entire advance just the eastern arm of the attack we held on just long enough to be reinforced. God knows how close it was before we would have been scrap metal."

"See too many of them end up that way, so kid what's your name?"

Harry smirked slightly at the older man, the engineer was likely a non com but one of the senior bunch, it couldn't hurt to have a crew chief on his side. Besides the other man seemed to be friendly enough even considering his taste for those disgusting sticks, he held out his hand introducing himself.

"Harry Kingston originally of the Altair Ninth Bolo Division." He answered

"Dave Temple of the First Division First Brigade." The engineer shook the younger man's hand.

"You're with the first?" Harry whispered in shock his face paling as he realised the implications of that.

"Yup have been for the last ten years son, it's just another brigade like any other we're no better or superior to anyone else out there. We're just lucky enough to be assigned the battle honours of the generations behind us and set a precedent for the rest is all, come on I'll show you in let you find your way to the bosses offices."

The interior of the massive construction was as impressive as the external, he had evidently entered the hub of human traffic for that section of Bolo Command. Bolo Prime had been considered for the name but since it had been given to the Bolo main manufacturing plant underneath the surface of the moon, the title Dinochrome Bolo Command had been assigned to the Headquarters facility within the last few centuries.

Walking into the main amphitheatre he was surprised to see massive mosaics of glass and stone depicting some of the Commander/Bolo teams that had become stuff of legends both within and without the brigades. One section of the diorama was still under construction, one of the latest battles was being memorialised in stone and glass the first new mosaic in several generations.

"Crap." Harry's eyes went wide, "That's Altair."

"I thought you knew." Temple said, "Altair is being lauded as the greatest stand of Bolos since the last war, you people did some good work out there Captain and the brigade are going to make sure everyone knows about it."

"But… it was just a duty we were tapped for, any unit would have done the same."

"Yeah but you were there son, the survivors held back the enemy long enough for the Altair battleship divisions to blow the puppies back to the big kennel in the sky. Saying as much, where is your Bolo?"

The sting of his Bolo's loss echoed through his mind, he had lost his Bolo on Altair after the puppies had blown a hole through the armour and into the tank's main memory core. Whilst the tank itself was salvageable his old friend wasn't and it had been a painful day when he had been forced to leave his mark 29 and return to Earth without her.

"She's gone, memory core wipe."

"Shit, sorry kid that's harsh on anyone."

"Most of the processing systems and personality was there but none of the memories or training. They've boxed her up and are sending her through reprogramming, the bosses decided that it wasn't a good idea to have me as her commander."

"If it's that bad kid I can see why, anyway I'll leave you here. The main personnel offices are through there." He pointed towards the massive doors. "Good luck and see you in the hangers."

"Thanks Dave."

"No problem Harry."

The young officer watched the other man disappear into the throng of personnel walking to and fro through the massive room, turning around Harry walked into the personnel department searching for anyone that could help him find where and who he was supposed to report to. The headquarters station was substantially bigger that the annex he had trained at.

"Excuse me." He asked one of the junior officers hurrying by, shocking the young woman she dropped her notepad and gasped. "Sorry I didn't mean to scare you, I'm just trying to find the assignment desk."

"Assignment Desk? Oh you're a Bolo commander." Her eyes widened as she noticed his shiny new Captain's bars snapping to a salute "Sorry Sir, I didn't realise."

Returning the salute he smiled, "Relax Ensign I won't bite, I'm just looking for my new assignment I was ordered to report to the Commandant and I am pretty lost."

"Yes Sir, the Assignment desk is my post. I…I'm on my way there." She replied, "Ensign Styles, Earth Dinachrome Brigade Assignment officer."

"Captain Harry Kingston."

Like others since he had arrived her eyes widened in shock, he had already become somewhat uncomfortable with the close to hero worship he was receiving. The Battle at Altair had destroyed the vast majority of the Bolo Command structure including the most advanced marks that had made it that far. A counterattack of what was left had held the line for weeks until the Concordiat armada had managed to break through and wipe out two entire enemy warfleets.

The few surviving Bolos of the entire brigade had been relieved from active duty and returned for repairs and refits at Bolo Prime on Luna, a newly formed Brigade had been installed at Altair along with more than a few heavy warships. Even fewer of the Bolo commanders had made it out of the carnage leaving harry and his fellow officers to a troop transport. Ten men and women in a transport for more than two thousand.

"The Captain Kingston Sir?"

"Yes Ensign, I'm looking for the assignment desk." He smiled, "Now can you help me?"

"I'm sorry Sir, it's just your the first war hero that I've ever met and everyone's talking about you." She smiled, "The Desk is about five hundred meters down the left hand corridor just before you make a turn into the Hall of History."

"Five hundred meters, that's a hell of a walk."

"We're a big station Sir."

"That it is, thank you Ensign."

"No problem Sir, it was a pleasure to meet you." She beamed, "I hope to see you around."

"I'm assigned to the First Brigade so you never know." He winked, she smiled back again and walked away her hips swinging slightly pinning his eyes to her rear as she walked. "Been way too long."

Approaching the assignments desk he looked around at the richly decorated and painted walls, gold leaf lettering across the wooden panels naming every Bolo Commander and crewman to have died in the thousand plus years since the first Bolo had come off of the production lines at General Motors. He was in the wrong section of the building to see it but he knew almost two thousand new names had been added to the wooden panels, their counterpart Bolos names somewhere on Luna.

"Hell of a site isn't it." The officer at the massive semicircular counter said, "You must be Captain Kinston."

"Umm Kingston ma'am."

"Ahh yes Kingston, the hero of Altair, you're in luck as you're the only officer today for reassignment." The woman replied, "As soon as your assigned your to report to the General, he's interested in meeting someone that's been added to the honour ranks at such a young age not to mention the first time in decades."

"The General?"

"Something wrong with your hearing Captain?"

"No Ma'am, just surprised."

"I bet you are, alright you're paperwork is in order. Fifth Company, Third Brigade is assigned to block Epsilon on the far side of the main station. The general's office is dead center above the main hangers at the center of the station, you better get a move on if your going to make it before food call."

Within a few minutes Kingston was outside the two massive wooden doors leading to the majestic offices of the Bolo command's most senior officer. Escorted in by the Generals Aide-De-Camp Kingston stood alone awaiting the audience he had been granted to the junior officer.

"Captain Kingston, Welcome to Bolo Command."

"D…David?"

"General Temple if you don't mind Major."

The Younger man stood straight and focussed his eyes slightly to the right of the other's head his arm shooting up in a parade perfect salute. General Temple smirk and shot off his own half heated salute, he eased back into his chair as she sat down watching the young officer sweat a little.

"At ease Kingston." He said, "You look ridiculous, right as I said before welcome to the first Company at Bolo Command."

"Thank you Sir." Harry replied, "You... you said you were with the first Sir."

"I still am for the moment, I command the Earth dinochrome brigade on the lines as well as behind the desk. Granted the first hasn't been used in anything except wargames for the last few hundred years, but if we're used then I'm first on the line." Temple responded, "You've been chosen to rejoin the brigade here in regards to your work in the Altair sector, although you still see yourself as a combat command leader I'm afraid that for the moment you are to be kept from the front lines until such time as we deem you able."

"Sir?"

"The loss of your bolo and direct link you had to her caused significant damage to your brain, for the moment you'll be kept here on Earth. Fortunately we have a job for you, you don't have to accept it in any way if you do not wish to, it involves a new Bolo." The General said, "The thing is this Bolo isn't a normal type, we built in a few new advancements into a Mk 30 in order to see if we could create a proper HQ ranking vehicle. New weapons were installed, secondary power was enhanced and a few new programs were hacked together to form a more powerful and more intelligent psychotronic system. It worked to a point."

The two men continue into the massive Bolo hanger, over a hundred of the most modern and

powerful vehicles sat under repair or ready for commissioning fresh from the Bolo prime factories on the Moon. Officers and tanks ceased their movement and stood to attention as the Commander of the Bolo Forces (Earth Dinochrome) .

"At ease, all of you." He ordered "The thing is Harry, this Bolo when constructed knew that it needed a commander. Well we had a number of candidates in place but for the first time that I've ever known this one requested its own commander. Every officer we had was discarded until the Battle of Altair then for the first time it well... spoke"

"All Bolos speak don't they Sir?"

"Usually but since the first moment it was operational the Bolo only communicated using text and coded radio links, never actually speaking at all. The moment the casualty reports came in he piped a single message to Bolo Headquarters breaking through our encryptions and the top secret channels to the Commander in Chief simply saying "Him". The picture accompanying it was yours."

"Me? It chose me as his commander?" Harry replied, "What would it have done if I'd not survived on Altair, sit and rust?"

"I have no clue Captain, non at all. All I can tell you is that we're allowing this under strict guidelines as we don't know what is going on here or why. The bolo is completely unarmed and unpowered except for its heuristic and memory systems, its entire drive system has been uncoupled."

"You really don't trust this thing Sir?"

"About as far as I can lift it, come on I'll introduce you."

"This is the Bolo Mk Thirty Combat Unit ANK-449."

The massive bulk of the Mk Thirty outweighed the Mark Twenty Eight he had ridden into battle time and again by a considerable margin, the fact it was all but disabled meant nothing at all considering its size and stature.

"Ankh this is Captain..."

"Captain Harry Kingston formerly of the Altair Ninth Bolo Division, Seventh Company Forth Brigade currently attached to the Earth Bolo First Division, Fifth Company, Third Brigade."

"Uhh Hi Ankh?"

"Whilst I have those letters as my unit designation I do wish to be called by my chosen name, so please call me... Vetinari."

Bolo belongs to the Estate of Keith Laumer

Discworld belongs to Sir Terry Pratchett


End file.
